It’s incredible the degree of inward changes that can happen in just a few years. This year I am in the same physical place as I was two years ago, but I could not be further away from where I was mentally. Could not be further.
Two years ago I was taken by sadness. I forgot what it felt like to be happy. I would sit and wait for the day to be over so I could return to my solace of sleep. If that became too boring, I would sleep in the middle of the day. Getting up was hard, eating was harder, and talking was the hardest. My small, every day experiences became the most difficult tasks I could be given. There was nothing that could hold me down quite like lethargy and idleness.
Nothing is different today. I am at the lake house, the same place I was two years ago. The furniture is the same, the water is still cold, and I’m with the same people. But my heart is here, and it’s shining. I look forward to my daily routine because I know how to make the very most of it.
I eat my blueberry muffins standing up and pointing my toes, using the kitchen counter as a ballet barre. I write in my journal on the sofa while watching dumb shows with my family, words coming to me slowly due to happy distraction. I hike down the lake with my brothers and their friends, soaking in the faraway winter sun and documenting our adventures with my camera. I smile and I talk and I don’t shut myself away. I take time to think my thoughts, and voice the positive ones. I have grown more than I can imagine in my ability to make the most of what is small. To see the beauty in what is incredibly ordinary. To let myself love freely what has been given to me.
The difference is Jesus. Yes. The difference is that I have accepted the abundant love of Jesus Christ, and I let that love invade every empty space in me. I had a lot of empty spaces two years ago. Now through those cracks there is light that pours out and soaks all that I see. Nothing is cold, or sour, or old. All is warm, and sweet, and new.
With fresh eyes I see now. Praise him.